should I send this....

[lwoyxoxo]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been dating a guy for 3 months now... he tells me that he's dating w/ a purpose (marriage) He's been single for years and i believe is really looking for the right girl.... when we're together, he throughs out wanting kids and plans of the future... but he and we still date other people... Not intimate with anyone else... just says that he feels the need to have conversations w/ a lot of people and make sure when he marries again, it's forever.... I wrote this email to him after a night of no sleep that followed a long period of confusion and well... you get the idea....
So... sould I send it or does it make me sound completely pathetic....

*************************************************************
I can't feel like I do about you and be ok with us dating other people... still looking. That's what dating is.. right? I don't even know what I expect from you. I guess I just really need to know what you're thinking and how you feel about me and why you feel you need to date other people and if there is a chance or no chance or I don't know... ugh!!! My head is spinning knowing that you don't owe me a thing. We had a couple of great dates and then too much too fast.... But - You say things to me that you don't say to someone you're just dating. You look at me like no one ever has. You touch me and make love to me with intense passion. It feels right when we're together.... I want to learn more about you and get to know your life and share mine with you. You get me thinking about a future. I think I would be content lying on the hammock - reading to our grandchildren - watching you fight off the birds in the cherry tree.... what is that? I shouldn't be here with you yet.... I don't fall like this. But then you leave me feeling like maybe I'm not what you're looking for. That's not a good feeling. It contradicts the way you are when you're with me. It makes me sad - I think you may be over thinking yourself out of something unexpectedly amazing. I'm really regretting that we moved so fast. You missed a lot of me that is now overshadowed.... I wish we could start this over, but how do we go back? I follow my heart and it's telling me that I want you... that there could be something here. But then I see you looking elsewhere. Honestly, it hurts me.

I want you to do what you need to do. I want you to be true to yourself. I go back and forth from thinking I should run - protect my heart - to wanting to stay and take the chance that this could lead to something. I'm much more than a pretty girl. I wish you could've seen more of me... Maybe someday you will. I really believe that your heart sometimes knows before your head does what is real and right. That being said, no matter what happens, I'll never forget you -the way you look at me and hold me. It's not me - it's us. It's crazy - I know - but I can't imagine making love to anyone else. Nothing compares to the way I feel when you make love to me. I don't know what to do... I am torn between loving how I feel when I'm with you and hating that I feel so out of control with this whole thing. I don't want to walk away from something that could be. I'm a romantic that will always believe in true love. I don't need to have someone... I'm not the girl that has to have a boyfriend in her life. But I do believe in love. I want love. I want passion and desire. I want happily ever after. I'll never settle for less and would hate to miss out on something that could be exactly what I want.

So... Maybe you could help me out here. Give me some clue to how you feel in words - not just in your amazing kisses and your beautiful stares into my soul. Words would be great about now! Not needing a commitment or a declaration of any kind.... just a clue as to where your head's at with me. Thanks! You know I activated my dating profile again... and not because I'm wondering what I'm missing out on. I get plenty of attention. I'm not interested in following up on any of it. You said you'd feel bad if you were dating and I wasn't.... so should I be? Was that your polite way of slowing fazing me out? I hate questions and I hate that you confuse me...
And, I hope this goes without saying.... but I'm not some crazy girl that falls hard for a boy in a short time frame and expects great and wonderful things back from him. This isn't the typical me. And - whatever you have going on in that head of yours, I'll be fine with it. It's the not knowing - but feeling - that's freakin me out!!!

One last thing... I wrote this after a night of really no sleep with a vicious headache... So I apologize if I ramble on or if you think I'm way out of line.... That's all.

xoxo